anniecoleman.com

Good news: the vertigo appears to be under control although I’m still druggy and dragging and just not myself. I made it to work every day this week and made it through the whole day each day which feels so good. However, I also napped a couple hours after work pretty much every day to recover. That doesn’t leave a lot of time for much else and the stress in my life hit an intolerable level.

I’ve realized that stress is almost certainly making the Meniere’s worse and with some help from a wise soul I took a hard look at all of the things in my life that take up my time and energy. This wise soul pointed out that I need to cut back to the point where I can accomplish every thing that is on my plate even when I’m not feeling well. Then when I am feeling well, any extra stuff I can get done is bonus. I also need to not feel guilty about taking time to read and knit because those are my calming things. Knitting is almost meditation to me.

So, the things in my life that entail some sort of obligation and which cause me to feel guilty if I neglect them are: work, class on flash animation, approaching comprehensive exams, my podcast, my blog, a website I run for my family, and LibriVox. And here’s the plan…

Work is my priority. I enjoy my job and I’m blessed to work with people who are understanding about my illness. Even if I didn’t need the money, I’d want to work because several years of not being able to work made me realize how essential it is for me mentally to feel useful and appreciated.

After work, the next priority is finishing my Master’s degree in Library Science. This is the last semester and the last class. I’m doing well in my class. In fact, that mini project I posted about a while back got named “best overall” out of 30 something odd students in the class. Which is nice but also drove home just how much of a perfectionist I am. I don’t have to become a flash genius, I just need to pass the class, and I need to keep my standards I set for myself reasonable. The other component of finishing the Master’s is comps. A week of writing four papers each 4-6 pages in length. I could be preparing more than I am but that’s not my style. I’m a last minute writer. That week will come and I’ll get the papers done and it will be fine. I can’t let it hang over my head until then.

So then there are my various online projects. My blog is more something for myself that I enjoy than an obligation, as is my podcast. My family’s website is really minimal maintenance although I do need to upgrade the phpBB software. I’d like to devote more time to my blog eventually and my podcast has been terribly neglected recently. I never record because whenever I have time to do that, I realize how much LibriVox stuff I need to catch up on and my own project gets put on the back burner, sometimes for a month at a time.

As much as I love LV, it has become an obligation instead of a fun thing. I want it to be fun again. I want to record my chapters without feeling guilty. I want to go a week without logging in. So the biggest thing I’m doing to adjust my life is I’m taking a break from coordinating projects on LV. This is hard. I love LV and I hate feeling like I’m putting more pressure on others. But at the same time, as soon as I made this decision and spoke up to the other coordinators, I knew I’d done the right thing. Everyone jumped in with help and support and I felt a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I want to come back to coordinating, especially poetry, when my life is more normal. But for now, LV is going on the back burner.

I know this may be dull to anyone who has read this far but I’m writing this as much to clarify my own thoughts and plan as anything else. And I feel better about things. I feel like life is manageable again.

Tomorrow I will record a chapter and post a knitting update and not feel a bit of guilt for doing so.

Tags: Knitting, LibriVox, Meniere's, School, Work //